Just as i was never picked to play an “important” baseball position in gym class when it came time to choose teams, i was also never picked for Jesus in any church passion play during Easter.

That’s because i am fat, and Jesus was not. And i’m not talking about the historical Jesus here - no one really knows what He weighed, but given His nomadic lifestyle and diet of loaves and fishes, i wouldn’t put Him past 150 pounds wet. No, i’m talking about White Guy Jesus - about American Bible belt bearded hippie trucker hair Jesus. The guy you see on commemorative plates and airbrushed posters, hanging out near waterfalls and rainbows, surrounded by wolves and unicorns. That’s the Jesus people in my culture are really into. The vaguely swarthy, white blue-eyed roadie for Nickelback Jesus. i’m definitely fatter than that guy.

(more…)