This entry, like many others, is not for the faint of heart.

That’s because i’ll be delving into the seedy underbelly of men’s washrooms and one of its most unseemly aspects.

It’s about the Booger Wall.
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No, i don’t want to hear what you dreamed last night. It’s just not very interesting.

It always goes the same way:

“We were at you house, except it wasn’t really your house - it was like my high school. And then some guy came out yellin and all this stuff happened, and i thought he was trying to be a certain way, so you and me went over to that other place. And then it got really weird. Suddenly we were on an airplane, and you were trying to put your shoes in this bucket that the flight attendant was passing around, like the offering plate at church. And you were wearing this really funny hat.”

There’s usually about a minute’s silence at this point, during which i seriously consider slapping the stupid out of you and yelling “never, EVER bore me to crap with your retarded dream ever again.” But that doesn’t happen. Instead, i just kinda say “Wow. That uh … that’s a strange one.” Then i rock back and forth on my heels a little. “Yup. That certainly is weird.”

Then you say “Isn’t it??” And you giggle and shrug. And i wonder what kind of conversations better people in the world are having right now.

i try very hard not to relate my dreams to anyone, except if they’re incredibly exciting or hilarious. i don’t want to hear what amounts to your brain’s attempts at fumbling through a wooden shape puzzle while wearing oven mitts. There’s always one exception, of course, and that’s if the dream is naughty.

i never dream about my wife, but i always dream about my co-workers. Sometimes i’ll even have filthy dreams about them, and i always hope it’s the attractive ones. So far i’ve made it through okay, which is great. i don’t know what i’d do if i started having horny dreams about the uglies. i’d have to buy some kind of night mask for my mind.

The big dilemma, of course, is whether to tell my co-workers i’ve had filthy, sex-laced dreams about them, or whether to keep them to myself. In my opinion, this depends on the co-worker. If the co-worker in question can take a joke and NOT call HR on me, then i might mention it. If, on the other hand, the co-worker is just gonna turn around and add to the already huge file documenting my misguided indiscretions at work, then it’s best if i keep the dream to myself.

Which is what you should consider doing more often.